Love and Logic Step 2: Teaching Responsibility without Losing Their Love

This step focuses on helping our learners learn from their mistakes through empathetic responses. The goal is to help children take ownership of their actions while keeping a strong, trusting relationship. Let empathy be the teacher. The use of empathy can make the difference between our kids learning from their mistakes or constantly repeating them. Empathy allows us to remain the “good guy” while allowing our child’s poor decision to be the “bad guy.” Empathetic parents understand that kids desperately need limits. They use consequences with empathy instead of anger, frustration, or sarcasm, and they know the importance of displaying love and understanding before holding their children firmly accountable for their actions.

Examples of empathetic statements that work:

• “Oh, no. I bet that feels terrible.”
• “Wow. What a bummer.”
• “I can’t imagine how bad that feels.”

Keep in mind the 5 steps:

1. Lead with empathy. Sad, not mad. “That must really be sad to get such bad grades,” or “That must be sad to have to miss that party you were looking forward to.”
2. Now give it back to them. Remember: It’s not your problem. “What do you think you’re going to do?”
3. Give suggestions if they want them. “Would you like to hear what other kids have tried?”
4. If they say yes, give only suggestions you can live with if they pick them. Never threaten something you don’t plan on following through with. “Some kids would ask their parents how they could win their trust back, so when the next party comes, they are trusted enough to go.” If they say no, go straight to “Well, I’m sure you’ll figure something out. Let me know how it works out for you.” Then walk away.
5. After you’ve given suggestions, let them decide what to do. “Do you think any of those will work for you?” They will say yes or no or come up with their own. Just let them know that you have confidence they are smart enough to figure it out, and you would love to know what they decide and how it works out.

You can learn more about this step, and previous steps, on the hub.

Resources

• Love and Logic for Parents: A Quick Guide
• Presentation: Teaching Responsibility Without Losing Their Love
• The Energy Drain Strategy