Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then Be Understood

Habit 5 can transform our communication and help us build stronger relationships. We have a tendency to want to swoop in and solve everyone’s problems before we even understand what the problem is. We simply don’t listen effectively. If we can learn and practice this simple habit–to see things from another’s point of view before sharing our own–a whole new world of understanding can be opened up.

Everyone wants to be respected and valued for the unique person they are. We can show we care by simply taking time to listen without judging and without giving advice. The problem is, most of us don’t know how to listen. We typically use one of these five poor listening styles:

• Spacing out: When someone is talking, we ignore them because our mind is wandering and we’re caught up in our own thoughts.
• Pretend listening: We still aren’t listening closely, but we pretend we are by making thoughtful remarks, like “Uh-huh.”
• Selective listening: We pay attention to only the part of the conversation that interests us.
• Word listening: We are actually paying attention to someone, but only to the words they say and not their body language or feelings.
• Self-centered listening: We listen and hear everything from our own point of view and use responses like “Oh, I know exactly how you feel.”

A better way of listening is genuine listening, where you listen with your ears, heart, and eyes. You also try to stand in their shoes with the intent to truly understand their perspective. Our listening needs to be driven by an authentic desire to understand the other person and to build trust with them.

Here are some small steps to begin practicing genuine listening:

• See how long you can keep eye contact with someone while they are talking to you.
• People-watch now and then. See how others communicate with each other and make observations in body language.
  Self-assess which of the five poor listening styles you have the most trouble with, and try to go one day without doing it.
• If you’re a talker, take a break and spend your day listening.